


Suffocating

by Peter_Pansexual



Series: Shot Through The Heart (Jesus/Daryl) [3]
Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: 500 Words Challenge, Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Study, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Jesus (Walking Dead) Needs a Hug, Male-Female Friendship, One Shot, POV Jesus, POV Jesus (Walking Dead), References to Depression, References to Drugs, Sad Jesus (Walking Dead), Short One Shot, Wordcount: 100-500, depressed Jesus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-20
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2020-01-20 16:44:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18529048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peter_Pansexual/pseuds/Peter_Pansexual
Summary: After Maggie leaves Hilltop, Paul is forced to take on a role he never wanted and it has become too much.OrPaul has a bit of a mental break down.--





	Suffocating

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in under an hour so sorry for any mistakes. Please leave me a comment and kudos!!  
> My Tumblr is im_just_here_for_the_gay_ships  
> (Trigger warning for depression and brief mentions of homophobia and drugs.)

It’s all so suffocating. He didn’t ask for this.

-

“You’re not in charge, Jesus.”

“I just try to help!”

-

“So why aren’t you in charge?”

“Not me. I’m not a leader.”

-

“They made you our leader.”

“Well, maybe they shouldn’t have!”

-

“Your people are counting on you. Maggie is counting on you. _I’m_ counting on you.”

-

All he wanted to do was be a better man. God knows how broken he is on the inside, which is why he always tried to fix everything on the outside. It was his way of coping, but now that’s become too much. He can’t do it.

All these voices in his head make it hard to sleep at night. He feels trapped in his own mind. When he leaves Hilltop to scavenge, like he used to, it is like he’s finally free. He never really felt like he belonged anywhere. When the apocalypse came, he felt like even more of an outsider. The people at Hilltop love him sure, but they don’t actually love _him_. They love Jesus. The man who fights for them and does the dirty work no one else volunteers for.

The people at Hilltop couldn’t care less about Paul. The man who lives in a trailer alone even though all the other trailers are full because they fear his sexuality. They ignore Paul most of the time. They don’t invite him to eat with them at dinner or ask him if he is actually doing okay. They make small talk just long enough to hand him a list of stupid things they want on the next run. They wouldn’t miss him if he was gone. They would miss the things he did for them.  

When Maggie came to live with him, all of the pain he kept inside was set free. He finally felt like he was wanted, not just needed. She actually cared about his well being. She wanted to be around him and get to know him, not Jesus. She would sit quietly with a small smile listening to Paul rant about how awful the ending of the book he just finished was. She would invite him to play cards with her and would playfully swat him when he would cheat. She was his best friend.

Her absence at Hilltop was like a broken bone that never healed right. It was okay most days but sometimes he would be reminded of his injury with intense pain. He just wants her back safe and sound with Hershel. He wants to sing nursery rhymes to Hershel while Maggie and Enid cook dinner. He wants to thank Maggie for all the light she brought into his bleak life by wrapping his arms around her. She always seemed to know what he meant without him actually saying it.

Most of the time, he tries to avoid everyone as much as possible. He hates that he feels so out of control. He just wants to smoke a blunt and forget about the world. His responsibilities feel like chains. Every day he gets more exhausted. His depression creeping up like a predator hunting his prey. This time there is no one there to help him fight his battles.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: im_just_here_for_the_gay_ships  
> The edit on May 14th was to fix a few grammar mistakes.


End file.
